Healthier
7/1/2025
Although I woke up at 12pm (noon not midnight) and got out of bed at 1pm today, I feel better. I see better, I think better, I feel thoughts and emotions better. Summer is a special time where I am separated from in person social interaction, and though social isolation could be defined as everything wrong with me, true isolation is where I am happiest it seems. Maybe it's because during summer I don't feel bad about not socializing with the people right in front of me, or maybe I've just forgotten the reason I had for wanting to socialize in the first place. It has been very difficult for the past year+ to socialize in person at all with anyone; I often convince myself I want to socialize with people at school, and that it's where true happiness is, and that makes me overthink every move and makes me much quieter than I would like to be. I have two really good friends I've known for 3 years+ at this point and we all live across the states so we only talk online but we haven't gone without speaking for more than 24 hours in a year and a half at this point. It keeps me socially occupied I would like to think as much as I need, though I'm not turned off by having more friends. I had a really good friend for around 8 months in school but she ended up throwing a fit over some shit that didn't even effect her so I don't talk to her anymore. She hurt me so I will hopefully never speak to her again but it was nice while it lasted and I do miss it to a point of course. Back to having no real friends I can talk to in person is a real setback. The only reason I considered her a real friend is because even though it didn't start like this, near the end I was able to say words without overthinking it and I felt truly comfortable in conversation. Something I haven't really come close to with anyone else since I moved here 20 months ago. Something about having someone like that in person makes me more secure and much happier at school. It sucks I overthink it so much, I would love to feel that comfortable around everyone but my brain doesn't allow it and I really can't fix it, the closest I got was pulling an all-nighter that one time. It's weird because I would like to say when I'm comfortable that is my "real self" and I thought it was for a long time but I've just recently realized no matter who I talk to I am always putting on a mask. The autistic mask you hear about where I completely void myself of emotions, but with closer friends I put on a different one where I am louder and more energetic than I would be alone. It's a positive mask but still not my "real self".
I have been getting back into making music, small songs I work on for a few days in my room. Last year I made a lot but this year I stopped completely for a while. I see no other future for myself so it's nice to feel like I'm working towards something real again, also could be another reason I feel happier. I've been listening to The Sound by swans a lot. I'll write a review someday but it's a one of a kind for sure, one of largest songs I've ever heard in sheer force of loud sound, feels like one bright light that just keeps growing. To listen it feels like judgement, being sentenced by the uncomfortable truth. It really is great and I have the vinyl too so even better I know.
I've also definitely being feeling better because of my appearance recently. I got a hair cut and now straighten my hair, though I have an itchy scalp it's much less work everyday which makes me happier. But also just how it looks with the right clothes makes me more feminine which I really love. I really have no preference for labels or pronouns, I would prefer if I didn't have to think about gender at all and just appeared how I wanted to. The best label would be non-binary but I have no real care for the label meaning anything. Maybe not nb and just a femboy or maybe just genderfluid or maybe really in that androgynous in between zone, I hate thinking about it and feeling like I have to be consistent with it, call me what you like as long as you aren't trying to stop me from looking a certain way.