by Aphex Twin

5/23/2025

This is the most depressing song i have ever heard, but somehow manages fear and comfort along with it. there are two parts to this song: the clicking, and the synth. the clicking pierces like a cry or maybe laughter, a deranged tone. at first i thought of it as a baby crying or at least representing one, this sort of human mouth only capable of sound known by no language but understood by all. crying into this empty void, this black space that holds it, and is all it could ever know. a miserable cry maybe translated into a clicking sound to be easier on the ears, to make it easier to hear and care for, though the child is not aware its cries are never really heard. or maybe it's a cry at a far distance, not in its full quality. but the rhythm could also represent this laughter, the opposite, this mindless dance of bliss inside a void inside a head that has truly forgotten their reality.

but then there's the synth; if i space out sometimes i can feel a voice, not hear but feel one. it feels like words of guidance, words of peace, words of silence, words of hope, words of sleep. i like to imagine it as a mother holding the crying infant, trying to make it sleep, to rest, to shut up. but it also speaks directly or maybe indirectly to the listener; fully aware it is being felt but not truly heard. there is almost what feels like an anger brewing in the mouth of this voice, a boiling, drooling, foamy rage behind the appearance of kindness when nobody is looking. a rage to be understood and helped but too cowardly to seek it themselves. this rage will slip into the background of these soothing words and cast judgement, it feels as if the voice knows everything you know and more but is helpless to communicate. a watchful eye with no limbs or threat, only understanding and judgement. it is in your power to walk away if you feel yourself uncomfortable. but these are words of truth as far as the mind can see, hope inside of hopeless and endless decay. it makes me want to be forgiven, to pray, to give everything i know and everything that can be traced back to Me. open your body with man made holes and accept the warm gift of love.

the voice goes on and on and eventually stops only for a moment, but the crying keeps on. then in one final effort that feels like soft breathing of the human mouth to the mind, it gives up, and leaves the infant supposedly to die. it grows quieter and quieter until you can barely hear a thud, like knuckles on a locked, old, wooden door. then a few seconds of silence. peace, but not rest. the comfort is gone but i can hear the voice clearly now. i am alone no matter where or when the track is played.

enough with that.
i first found this song through selected ambient works volume II full listening. i first found the streaming release of stone in focus(#19) which i had never heard before then but loved at first listen and i wanted more so i listened to the full album. blue calx definitely stands out as one of the calming more relaxing tracks of the album since most of it sounds like eerie cave music, and i found my previous favorite song of all time rhubarb(#3) on there too. rhubarb was actually my favorite song of all time until about two weeks ago where i went through a very terrible two weeks and constantly looped blue calx as a way to get through it. rhubarb does much of similar thing to me just more joyful, though i wouldn't say it's a happy song. peak ambient music and peak music in general. rhubarb blue calx and second floor have been my top 3 songs for like 8 months now and i don't really see it changing unless some other ambient song makes its way in. i really wish aphex twin made more ambient music, or at least more melancholic music, or actually just made more music in general. he probably has some bangers on soundcloud im just too lazy to check all of them but he hasn't dropped an album in a decade. he's now very close to beating swans in best artist even though he doesn't drop music and i hate 90% of everything he makes because it's all acid techno slop imo but whatever.

one thing i really like about this song that isn't the actual music is this art by Marta Baricsa that is the thumbnail and video for a blue calx reupload on youtube. it really stuck with me and the actual piece is named "Blue Calx" in 2004 so 99% chance it was made for the song which is really cool.

100/100 :D

Marta Baricsa's art